In today’s edition of ‘What The Hell is Going On?’ we take a look at what the 50 million driving licence holders in Great Britain have been waiting for – “The Plan for Drivers”.

The cover message to this policy paper states that “The plan includes a list of actions that government will pursue with local authorities and others to ensure drivers get a fair deal alongside other road users.” Yes, drivers need a fair(er) deal apparently.

As the Foreword points out “It is not right that some drivers feel under attack”. Presumably that includes drivers who park on pavements and block walkers and wheelers (so-called ‘other road users’ who presumably are seen to somehow have an unfair upper hand).

You need a good opening line for a document like this: “There’s nothing wrong with driving.” There you have it. The transport planning profession needs a fundamental overhaul – it’s go it all wrong. Driving – no negative externalities whatsoever.

Here’s another priceless statement in the Foreword: “Cars’ environmental impacts are often held up as a reason for anti-driver measures but the shift to cleaner vehicles makes this increasingly unjustified. We can decarbonise and maintain our freedoms”. Yes, you luddite transport planners, cleaner vehicles is all that was needed to make the world a better place.

The document sets out 30 steps to help drivers across five parts of the Plan. Here’s a pick of one step from each of these parts:

Smoother journeys – “Bus lanes only when they are needed. Strengthen guidance to make sure bus lanes help rather than hinder traffic by operating only when buses are running, or when traffic is heavy enough to cause delay to buses.”

Stopping unfair enforcement – “Stop local authorities using so-called “15-minute cities” to police people’s lives. Consult on measures including the removal of local authorities’ access to DVLA data to enforce such schemes by camera”.

Easier parking – “Find parking more easily. Digitised Traffic Regulation Orders will help easily identify where it is legal to park anywhere in the country.”

Cracking down on inconsiderate driving – “Cleaner roads. Clamp down on roadside littering, extending the trial on camera enforcement across the strategic road network.”

Helping transition to zero emissions driving – “Greener schools. Provide dedicated, targeted support for schools to install chargepoints, using existing grants”

To paraphrase the above examples: Bus lanes should help traffic not promote sustainable travel; the ability to access what you need locally is concerning; easier parking needed, presumably including on pavements if you can; throwing litter in former bus lanes, former LTNs and when you park on pavements is wrong; and walking buses are so last century for green schools.

Yes folks the sunlit uplands are now within our grasp.

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